Navigating Grief – Part 1, What Not to Say

Takeaway: First, do no harm. 

Awkward encounters

We have all been in that situation, desperately seeking appropriate words for a friend who has lost a loved one. We might have said something we thought was useful, only to be met with silence or a disbelieving look or faraway eyes.

Unhelpful things

…often said in such situations include:

• Everything happens for a reason.*
• It’s all part of a bigger plan.**
• At least you had them as long as you did.
• Your mom would want you to be happy.
• I know how you feel. I remember when…
• You are so attractive and smart, I’m sure you’ll find someone else soon.
• You are so strong. You can handle anything.

No one says these things to be hurtful.

But they may suggest that the grief-stricken party isn’t handling the situation as well as they should. If so, such sentiments and projections do more harm than good.

Every life is different, and no two losses are the same

There is a good chance that the speaker has not yet experienced the same depth of loss. Megan Devine had been a psychotherapist for almost 10 years when she lost her partner in an accident. The things she heard from her friends made her question the counseling she had been providing. Her friends did not know how to support her.

“It’s our grief-phobic culture,” says Devine. “Those grieving don’t know how to ask for help, while friends and loved ones don’t know what to say or do.” The experience prompted Devine to refocus her professional practice. She wrote a book, “It’s OK that You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand.

Check out Megan Devine’s website: https://www.refugeingrief.com/

And in particular, look at her list of “Don’t Do” and “Do” approaches to others’ grief: https://refugeingrief.com/articles/infographics-tipsheets

*   Oddly, this is a logical statement made in an illogical way. Of course, every event has a cause or causes. But when people recite this tired cliché, they mean that the cause was fate or God or an inescapable destiny when we know it was cancer or heart disease or an accident.

** Not everyone who believes in a higher power believes in a master plan. Citing a plan can be distressing.