Navigating Grief – Part 2, What to Say

Takeaway: Listen, ask, connect 

In Part 1 of this “navigating grief” series, we saw the insensitive things people often say to the grief stricken. We learned why they say them from psychotherapist Megan Devine (It’s OK that You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand.)

So, what do understanding people do? They listen. Carefully. 

Grieving people may not want to talk, but don’t let it be because they fear they are a burden. Use body language and facial expressions to signal a willingness to listen. Lean in. Be fully present. Shut down all unrelated thoughts. Pay attention to the speaker’s non-verbal cues. Listen like it’s the most important job in the world.

What can I say without saying too much? Reflect. 

Psychologists use a technique called “Active Listening” to make their clients feel heard without judgment. The listener reflects what is heard. Megan Devine has a good example in her Don’t/Do tip sheet (https://refugeingrief.com/articles/infographics-tipsheets). “When they say, ‘This sucks,’ say, ‘Yes, it does.’”

“If you remember just one thing, it’s this,” says Devine: “It is not your job to fix somebody’s pain. It is your job to acknowledge it.”

Questions can engender connection 

There can be no conversation when the first words are a tired platitude like “Everything happens for a reason.” Ask a conversation starter like, “Do you want to talk to me about it?” Add depth by asking, “Do you want to tell me about him?”

If you still are at a loss for words… 

 Patti Anewalt, director of Pathways Center for Grief & Loss, offers this:

“It is far better to honestly say, ‘Gosh, I don’t know what to say’ or ‘I can’t imagine what this is like for you’ or ‘Are some moments harder than others?’

“Do not say, ‘I know how you feel,'” she says. The same is true of advice, even though you’re trying to be helpful. “Try to understand what your friend or family member is feeling and experiencing. Set aside any of your own ideas, thoughts or experiences and instead just listen.”

https://hospiceandcommunitycare.org/grief-and-loss/grief-links

Or, “I don’t know how to help. But I’m here and I love you.”