The Need for Reflection

Takeaway: Grief demands reflection

The pressure to reset

We often hear advice to focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past. Coaches, business leaders, and even clergy encourage us to move forward after failure or disappointment.

• The pressure to succeed makes us focus on the future rather than on the past. The investment that didn’t pan out is history. How can you make money now?
• The pace of life leaves little room for reflection. You have too many things to do and too little time. You dare not indulge in emotional processing.

Next play

I watch a lot of sports, especially San Diego State basketball. Their coach, Brian Dutcher, is one of the best. His teams often make it to the NCAA tournament; in 2023, they played for the national championship. Among Dutcher’s mantras are “next play” and “next man up.” What do these strategies have in common? They recognize that we cannot change the past.

• Next play! Made a bad play? Focus on the next one.
• Next man up! Lost a teammate to injury? Help the one taking his place.

These strategies work well in basketball, where dwelling on the past can cost you the game.

Life encourages the “don’t look back” mindset

We see similar messages outside of sport

• “Don’t second-guess.” “Hindsight is 20/20.”
• “Don’t throw good money after bad” and its business version, “Ignore sunk costs.”
• We hear it in the prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

Generally, this is good advice. But moving from grief to serenity takes time.

A time to weep

Death is final. It leaves behind questions, pain, and a need to understand. Ignoring those feelings doesn’t make them go away. Death is probably the hardest thing in life to accept, which is ironic considering its inevitability. So unlike basketball and business, death merits deep reflection.

• When we lose someone, we need to reflect—not to blame ourselves or ask endless “what if” questions, but to truly process what has happened.
• Reflection allows us to sit with our emotions, to acknowledge our pain, and eventually, to find peace.
• The more we understand our grief, the better we can move forward—not by forgetting, but by carrying the memory of those we lost in a way that brings meaning.

If you want to explore this idea further, check out my blog post, “Tell Their Story.” Sharing memories of those we’ve lost can help us heal, grow, and keep their legacy alive.